Finally, a Name

Means "Atlanta Beauty"

Whoo, hooo! Finally. The AJC and other news agencies have driven this story down well past the ninth circle of hell. She's a panda, OK, I get it - rare, hard to breed, cute, blah, blah, blah.

But after her fiftieth medical exam, which the media covered like white on rice, she bleated out this noise that everyone thought was soooooo cuuuutte. However, and I don't speak fluent "panda", I think she was really saying one thing... "Yea! I've got a name. Now would you please quit sticking shit in my eyes, ears, and ass and just leave me the fuck alone."

I love Craigslist

I got so many emails from this little rant, I cannot help but say, "thank you". All of it's true, albeit a mixed story of events... gotta love us City Rats and "thanks" to all you that emailed. Makes me feel like my degree is not lost money. One day, I'm gonna get busted, though, I know. Then my house will catch fire. Please save my cats.


Let me start by saying, if I have the flu and choose to take half a bottle of DayQuill, three Red Bulls, and a sugar cookie for breakfast - watch out if I'm behind the wheel of my car. It's a total piece of shit and I could care less who I hit or vice versa.

That being said, here are a few rules you may want to consider if I happen to be on the road with you in downtown traffic at 7:30 in the morning...

First, to the two assholes who cut me off at the intersection of North Ave and Spring St. this morning. I'm so glad you sped through the light and didn't get a chance to see the "flash" from the traffic cameras. Just so you know, that card you get in the mail in a few days won't be a "Merry Christmas" from APD, trust me. I guess the four signs, WITH a picture of a fucking camera on it (just in case you don't habla english), isn't enough for you. Oh, and I loved the fact that when we got to the next light, I was right behind you. How's does it feel to piss away 2 bucks a gallon for gas and a 70 dollar ticket just to beat me to the red light thirty feet away?

Second, speaking of assholes who want to wizz past me and cut me off, ESPECIALLY at the intersection of Piedmont and Edgewood, I've got some news for you in case you missed the excitement. The construction contractors working on that site have no idea what a boiler plate is so when you hit that massive crater in the far left lane going 50 miles and hour... well, I can only hope you enjoy the new CV axles and front end alignment you now need, Shithead.

Third, if you drive a tractor trailer and have no manifest to be in the city limits, I will gladly report your tag number to the DOT. I really don't care if they bust you now or later, your tag will be on file. After all, if I have to sit on the Connector going retard-speed, so do you.

Fourth, if you have Fulton or Dekalb plates and you're traveling south on Boulevard at Edgewood, I know that YOU know the road changes to one lane. Do not pass me while I sit in traffic, then get to the light and think I'm going to let you in, especially when you don't even have the courtesy of using a turn signal. You know who you are, Skany-HoodRat. By the way, how the fuck can someone drive a car, put on makeup, talk on the phone, and eat a godam greasy biscuit at the same time? Maybe instead of buying those stupid, fucking spinning rims, (which are worth more than the car you're driving and the house you're renting), you might consider Driver's Ed.

Fifth, and this is pure physics here, Princess. Call it a backward-ass form of Newton's Law - If I'm in my car, and you are crossing an intersection AND you see a BIG RED HAND on the pedestrian light, simply put - I'll run your ass over. If I'm in a generally good mood, though, I may just bump it into the curb, all the while blowing my horn in your face. Yeah, something does work on my car after all. Sweet Jesus, are you colorblind or just a crackhead?

Lastly, getting back to signaling - that lever that sticks out on the left side of your steering wheel ain't there just so you can wipe your boogers on it. Yeah, I saw you do it. It's actually called a turn signal. Trust me, Bubba, if you use it, you won't decrease the trade-in value on your pickup. As a matter of fact, you might spare yourself the heartburn of me ROYALLY fucking with you in my aforementioned piece-of-shit automobile. I can, and will, run you into a concrete barrier wall in a flat second. Just see if those dumbass chain-linked fences on the overpass will save you from a nosedive 30 feet into on-coming traffic.

Oh, one more thing. For all you A-tow people NEWS FLASH: you are not NASCAR drivers, and no, it's not Disneyworld - no matter how much you want to pretend. Go back to junior high and drop some more blotter acid. At least you'll be too fucked up to have a job driving mach speed with other people's cars in tow.

Ahh, I feel much better now.

You Cheat - You Pay

So, I have a boring job. I mean, really, really boring job. I also happen to have a ton of shit that I need to do to finish my home project so I can be "truly" productive (it's all about self-gratification, right?)

So I call in sick on Friday. I get a lot of stuff done and I am happy about the progress...

Guess who's deathly sick on Saturday? Yup. It's either that retard cat gave me her cold or I got her's; either way, I'm screwed. I only wish my head would feel as light as a Macy's Day Parade balloon, but I really don't need the girth, I promise. Somehow my sinuses became the most productive snot factory on Planet Earth and my lips are cracked like the surface of the Moon. And, thanks to the fact that I have no toilet paper, I have to wipe my nose with Bounty-the-Quicker-Picker-Upper. As rough as it is on your asshole, it ain't much better on your raw nose, either. Trust me, folks. But, considering the absorbant-qualities, I should be saving a few trees. HaHa - look at me - the Martyr.

Oh, and if someone else could drag another piece of 60-grit sandpaper across my larynx, I might actually pass out and get moment's peace.

In the meantime; I do not stuggle too much to remember the basics - It's Christmas time, I have people who love me, and Sudafed, Tylenol, green tea, and a nugget of grass (if I can manage to breathe long enough), are in proximity.

This is a total rip, but karma is karma.

For all you about to go out and party tonight - have fun you twisted, healthy fucksticks.

Gotta run, 'cause it's Hankie Time

Look Who Came by the House

Look Who Came By the House


Yeah, cheesy, but I love this show and Snow Miser, Heat Miser, and their Mom, Mother Nature. I've been watching this show for 30+ years and it does not get any better - all you reindeer people need to piss off.

OK, simply put, it's fucking cold. Weather guy said nineteen, not ninety. Interesting how one letter can mean the difference between wool socks and laying out by the pool. Also, funny how I can say that in three languages, but it still doesn't take away the fact that I'm freezing my ass off.

I live in Atlanta so I don't have to deal with cold, but Canada sent it down and I have to deal with it - at least for the next few days. If nothing else, it motivates me to do laundry (gotta love that gas dryer) and bake (gotta love a gas oven) - lest we forget the itty-bitty space heater. Mum said turkey takes the longest to bake, but I'm a vegetarian so I might be giving a gift to the homeless today. Also, cheesecake, but I'm trying to lose another 5 lbs before the glory-road-trip to Orlando next week. I guess there's another donation to the homeless?

I even put my feral outdoor cat in the basement because I was worried about her in the cold. She happens to be the mother of the cat I had to put to sleep and for some reason, I've become very protective of her. I really didn't think she would want to be confined in the basement, but when I went to check on her, she was sitting on the old chair, and gave me a look that definitively said, "Fuck off, I'm just fine inside, thank you much". OK, I get it. No amount of body fur can compensate for 19 degrees.

ON WARD - Time to set up the new, Sony, 1000 Watt, 5 disc CD changer, DVD badass MF I got for Christmas. This should be fun. I really have no idea what I'm doing, but a bloody mary and a shorty should help - Hardy har har. Joke's on me -- I don't have any vodka. Seriously, though, it beats the shit out of the 1980's "stereo" I had in the den. Too bad I can't crank it to 1,000 Watts because I would have to pick my 100-year old windows out of the neighbour's yard.

Josh Groban - My December



Even though I opposed a war in Iraq before it happened AND I detest the pigshit we have as the US President, I do appreciate the men and women who do what I cannot - protect and serve this country with their lives.

Hopefully with a new Congress and a new sense of what rightly needs to be done, this will be the last December in my lifetime where people are fighting a needless war. Let this be said to those in Sudan, South America, and Asia as well.

God Bless.