Happy Halloween

This Just In

If I've had a relatively bad day AND I have PMS AND I just happen to be behind the wheel of my piece of shit car, you may not want to tailgate me or god forbid - jaywalk. I'm telling you this for your own safety.


First, let me say, "Welcome Back, piece-of-shit-old-as-dirt Honda". I've missed you, Buddy. Ol' Buddy has been in Tin Man for a long, long time. Considering two windows don't go down and two don't go up, it leaks break fluid like Niagra Falls, oh - and the engine head is so shot I have to pull the PCV out to drive, Buddy has been in Time Out for the past several months. For those of you who know how much of a tree-hugger I am, this should tickle the shit out of you: The PCV (aka pollution control valve) is a device to help control the CO your car cranks out when you drive. Driving with it unplugged from the engine block is enough to send your local EPA agent into crisis counseling and you to a long visit in the County Motel. But mo-bile, we must be. Besides, I love my little Buddy, paint primer and rust spots, too! I even took Buddy for a car wash, which is how I found out the second window does not go UP. Shit, I didn't realize a backseat had such absorbent "sponge" qualities.

Alright, so the truck has to go to the shop for a brake job and oil change. I won't name the shop - FIRE-FUCKING-STONE, but you can extrapolate. Junior Grease Monkey says Truck will be ready by end of business, which is fine with me since I absolutely live to drive home in Friday-Atlanta downtown-you must be fucking kidding me-rush hour traffic. Alas, it's actually ready early, but I still have to get to my second home (Home Depot) to get my paint and azaleas.

So on the way to Second Home - in the aforementioned traffic - smoke starts billowing out of the right rear tire. Some kind-hearted ass-semaritan starts blowing his horn and screaming, "Your truck is on fire!!!!" Well, a good piss in the pants later, I realize it's a problem with the brake - yup, Mr. Fire-fucking-stone. One call to Jr. GM and he says, "Oh, so sorry, blah blah blah. We open at 7 AM tomorrow." Now what do you do? Well, isn't it obvious?? You fucking drive home in Friday-Atlanta downtown-you must be fucking kidding me-rush hour traffic WITHOUT using your brakes. Duh.

Boy, words just cannot describe how much fun this was. WEEEEEE!

By now, I have blown a 50 amp fuse, a couple of motherboards, not to mention that really big blood vessel that controls blood flow to the brain. But, I still have to go to the grocery because I HAVE NO FOOD, not to mention NO BEER and it's godamn Friday night. That's easily one of the mortal sins, isn't it?

So, hop into Honda (aka Buddy) and off we go. Recalling some of my deflation techniques from my Anger Management class (actually, never been, but I may be on to something here), I crank in a little Natalie Merchant and start searching for my chakra - long missing from my chi - when suddenly in my rearview, there's a nice little Mercedes 6 series, shitass rap cranking at 1600 decibles, right on my fucking back fender. Did I mention it was a one lane road? No? OK, so now the fun starts.

Slow down to 35...30...25, then tap, tap, tap those breaks, now gas it for about 3 seconds - up to 40, then downshift FAST back to 20. I can actually see puffs of smoke coming out of the sunroof from this fuckstick's ride. I was really hoping he'd hit Buddy. I wouldn't mind having a Mercedes 6 series, myself. When the road became two lane and I saw there was a car in the second lane (thank you, Lord of Driver Rage), I magicially became it's long-lost-lover... never wanting to leave it's side. Like the great block at the Indy 500. Lovely. Alas, my exit came up and I had to give up my prey. Stupid fuck was so pissed he probably wrapped himself around that big oak on Boulevard and Woodwind.

So off to Ghetto Kroger. I won't go into details about Ghetto Kroger, but to mention a few notes of interest:

#1 If you take a buggy, put it back or at least, don't leave one in every, fucking parking spot.

#2 For the Ghetto-Kroger workers, can you tell me why 6:30 on a Friday night is the absolute best time to restock the shelves?

#3 Express lane means 10 or F-E-W-E-R items. Most people do not think 30 cans of Spam, 6 bags of pork skins, and a quart of chocolate milk fall under this category.

#4 If you are in aforementioned "Express Lane", please do not write a check for a Hershey's bar.

And #5 (I swear this happened)- Do not, I repeat - DO NOT - EVER, bring your fucking C-A-T to the grocery! I swear to GOD, I really, truly do not believe Garfield wants to go shopping with you, especially at the grocery. Hell, even at PetSmart, these cats look like GitMo detainees, but at the godamm Kroger??? I know I heard that cat begging me to have him put down. I almost reported that fat bitch to Animal Control, but decided to get out of there before I torched the place. Actually, I think Garfield swipped some lighter fluid and a box of matches when Lardo was pricing the fat back.

I am a threat behind the wheel after all of this. I admit it. So, why in the name of all that is holy, would anyone - I mean, anyone, want to walk out in the street - no crosswalk - no light - and lots of cars (mine especially), screaming down the road right at you? Actually, I have an idea, but I'm not going to pay for some retarded crackhead's luxury stay in traction at Grady, thank you very much. If he wants three squares a day and a warm, liced blankie, he needs to sell some of that crack to an undercover, not try to get me to run him down.

So, I braked for him.

He should be lucky I wasn't in the truck.

Lovely.

Well, lookie there - it's after 12 and a Football Saturday. I hear the snap of a cold beer, the sight of unplanted azaleas, and the promise of a day that I will not get behind the wheel. All are safe - on the road, anyway.

In the News

Nice little opening ditty, which only promises to be apropos for a blog entitled "In the News"...



Ya Think?

According to CNN:

"A push to make Baghdad safer is being rethought after a "disheartening" surge of violence in recent weeks, a top U.S. military spokesman said today. The security plan -- a linchpin in the effort to restore law and order in Baghdad -- hasn't succeeded in lowering the violence in the capital, where attacks have increased during the Ramadan holy period. Officials now are intensively reviewing the plan, called Operation Together Forward."

Hmmm, I'm thinking more of something called, "Operation Get The Fuck Out of Iraq". I mean, over 2,800 Americans and only God knows how many Iraqis have been killed since the US invaded Iraq for their oil. Now, here we sit, oil prices higher and reserves lower than they were in 2003. When the rightwing, mindless, Republican rats start jumping their own ship, YA THINK we may want to reconsider our plan?



Katrina's Still Offin' Cajuns:

And these were whities, so again, nobody needs to pull the fucking race card. According to the AP:

"After Hurricane Katrina, Zackery Bowen and his girlfriend Adriane Hall appeared in news stories as examples of young people who had pressed on in the battered city despite evacuation orders and a lack of power and water.

Their story came to a disturbing end this week: Bowen leapt to his death from a hotel, leaving a note that led police to a French Quarter apartment where they found a woman's charred head on the stove, limbs in the oven and torso in the refrigerator.

Bowen's note said he had strangled and dismembered his girlfriend, but did not mention her name, police said Wednesday. Authorities said that because of the condition of the dismembered woman's body they could not immediately identify her. They were looking for Hall, however.

In the note, Bowen wrote: "I scared myself not by the action of calmly strangling the woman I've loved for one and a half years .... but by my entire lack of remorse," according to The Times-Picayune newspaper, which said it had obtained a copy of the note."

They still aren't sure why this guy apparently did what he did, but considering these two remained in the French Quarter before, during and the whole year and three months AFTER Katrina, I'm not sure I wouldn't go postal, either. Granted, I don't think I would have roasted my significant other, but again, who knows where your breaking point is?


Here We Go Again:

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Mass and pray for your own forgiveness, Foley has figured out, through copious amounts of booze-free therapy, that a Catholic priest sexually assaulted him when he was a boy. Of course, the priest says he's not guilty because he didn't actually stick his woodie in Little Boy Foley --- he just played jerk the chicken with him. AND, even that didn't qualify as lewd and lascivious because Father Hard-on was high on tranquilizers. Besides, when a priest says you liked it, godammit, you liked it!

Shit, why didn't I think of that twenty years ago when I got my DUI? "Jeez, Judge, it wasn't my fault I got popped with that DUI! Hell, I was drunk. It was Jack Daniel's goddamn fault - talk to him!"



Dollar vs. Peso - The Irony:

The Washington Post reported that over 45 Billion (that would be Billion, with a B) dollars was sent by immigrants to Mexico and Central American countries, up a paltry 42 Billion (Billion with a B) dollars since 1980. Is it surprising that some dipshit international funding bank said the problem is that only about 3% of that money goes into the infrastructure of those countries? According to the bank, "Most of the money immigrant workers send to their families is used for basic needs, such as food, medicine and shelter". Well, for fuck sake, if the government won't pay to take care of its people, let the people come here, make the money and send it home. Sounds completely fair to me, especially since immigrants do the jobs my crackhead, welfare sucking neighbours won't do.



Another, YA THINK?:

This prick:



finally fessed up. According to a new Time.com interview, Cheney "admits he may have been "premature" in saying "we were over the hump in terms of violence" in Iraq.

No more needs to be said here, folks. This simply chaps my ass.

The only reason this is "news" is because it's the first time this raving idiot has "admitted" anything. He hasn't even really admitted he shot someone and most moe-rons have forgotten it anyway. I haven't...




Of course, Cheney wouldn't be the only one looking through the scope.



A Dog, A Cat, and A Gimp:

A Wisconsin woman was saved by her dog when her house caught fire. The woman, who lost a leg in an some accident, said the cat jumped on a coffee table and turned over a candle which caught some artificial plants on fire. The woman, who's lard ass was on the couch watching TV, didn't have on her artifical leg and couldn't get up. So Scooby grabs the leg and a phone and Gimpy hauls ass out of the house. Meanwhile, Scooby runs back in to save the cat and both animals buy the farm. Puts a new meaning on the term, "Crispy Critters".

I cannot count how many things really piss me off about this. Suffice it to say, I don't normally slam the handicapped, but when you're so fucking stupid as to have a candle on a table next to FAKE fucking plants, when you yourself have a FAKE fucking leg... News flash: You're not just physically handicapped, you're godamn retarded.


Speaking of Slams, and Getting Drunk, and Blaming Everyone but Yourself:


Bill Maher's New Rule: "New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk. Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything. Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.

Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."



AND, Just To End on A Happy Note:

More from Bill Maher's latest -

And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.

But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.

And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?

When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.

You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.

So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.

I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!

So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person fucking him...is you.

AMEN

I Couldn't Have Said it Better

In case you can't read it:

"Hey, I'm not sure if you all band-wagon patriots have noticed or not, but all the ribbons in the world won't help shit. If you want to help the troops, give them something they want, like armor for their vehicles or a fucking trip home. Slappin' a magnet on your gas-guzzling SUV in the mddle of a a war for oil, just makes you look like a giant prick."

You said it, Friend.

It's Gonna Be a Good Day, Tater

I'm a TEE - EYE- GEE - EEE - ARE




Now that's how you play football.

The coup de grace? The last play fumble return for touchdown.

Simply Beautiful.

War Eagle

Just a Bad Day

Maybe it's 'cause I slept like shit last night (bizarre-freaky-dreams kinda sleep)

OR

Maybe it's 'cause the City of Atlanta is full of "reverse-prejudice" fuckstick moe-rons (a.k.a. black hating white because they are white) and I have to deal with them constantly in my job.

OR

Maybe it's 'cause the welfare-sucking, scanks that rent the house next door decided to get into a fight with each other and leave their windows open so all can hear. FYI - Apparently she's pregnant AGAIN, making this kid-to-be number 9 or is it 10?? - more of my tax dollars down the toilet so I can support a future crack dealer. Oh, and I guess he's been fucking around on her to boot! This is better than Meerkat Manor. When will some people fucking learn that a condom costs less than an abortion which costs DE-FIN-I-TIVE-LY less than a baby?

OR

Maybe it's because North Korea has a nuke, Iran won't stop uranium enrichment (a.k.a. building their own little nuke), and Iraq - well, we don't need to go there, do we?

OR

Maybe it's just 'cause it seems apropos

... I remembered this little tune:

Yeah, yeah double-entendre, I know. blah, blah, blah



Hide And Seek

'Nuff Said

Precious.

Honestly -

- if one more person comes up to me and asks me what happened to Auburn, I will go postal. Of course, most of these folks that think they are abusing me are Georgia Tech fans and the last time I checked, Georgia Tech played a bunch of retarded ferrets on Saturday and almost lost.

The AP has Auburn ranked 10th, but this idiot says to me, "You can't just go by one poll - USA Today poll has them ranked 11th. Please, people, do not read the USA Today poll. It's made up of a bunch of girls who wouldn't know a football if it hit them in the face. The saddest part is that Florida is now number 2 and for good reason. Holy shit, they played one hell of a game and we're hosting them on Saturday. Tommy better step it up if he wants a job next year.

Surfing

So normally this is the most boring job on the planet. But today is a national holiday (which we do not get to take) so everything is closed EXCEPT Tech. This means I won't get any mail, I can't go to the bank, I can't go to the post office, I really, truly don't have shite to do except - surf.

Starting with something pleasant (not a norm in my blogging history) - I'm looking for pictures for a Christmas gift and ran across this one from the photographers at my uncle's wedding last year. Check out this awesome photo of Stowe




What a beautiful sight this is.


Back to reality:




Now for sick and twisted and in need of electrocution:

A fuckup in Florida, kills his girlfriend, then sleeps with her, then takes her five cats to be put down. Whaaa? OK, it's bad enough he offs the lady, but to kill her cats so "they can be with her"? Please do not make me pay for this guy's life in prison with my tax money. A bullet costs a mere 30 cents.

Speaking of bullets, those two monsters that tortured that puppy in the projects next to my house last month are being arraigned today. According to the AJC,

"The brothers face an 11-count indictment on charges including aggravated cruelty to animals, burglary, criminal damage to property in the second degree, making terroristic threats and five misdemeanor counts of cruelty to children in the third degree.

The child cruelty charges stem from reports by neighborhood children that the teen enticed them to the center to see the dead puppy and threatened to kill them if they told anyone they knew."

Actually, forget the bullet. I say, tie them up with duct tape, douse them with paint and them roast them in an oven until they board the express train to hell. I hope when they get there, they find out Satan is canine.


Aljazeera reports that Syria is preparing to attack Israel. Lovely. And everyone is reporting that North Korea with that loon president, Kim Jong Il, has become the newest nuclear country. Lovely. South Korea and Japan are trying to figure out who will be the first to go up in smoke. And what will the US do about it? Well, we can certainly send in what's left of our military - geriatrics and retards. And how comforting to know we have that Nazi, John Bolton, representing us at the United Nations.

Reader's Digest says that 30% of all high schoolers do NOT graduate and 40% of all college freshmen need remedial classes because they aren't prepared to be in college. Just how stupid is this country? Nevermind, just reading the news answers that question.


I think I'll sign off with a happy thought: A very rare snow leopard



Thanks National Geographic.

Tigers or Retarded Kittens?

Can somebody please tell me what the hell happened to Auburn today? Sweet Jesus (who apparently isn't a Tiger fan), Auburn played like shit on stink. It didn't help that Arkansas (who has the stupidiest assmunch mascot since that idiot 1996 Olympic blue thing they called a Iggy?) played more like a professional Southern Cal team.

Auburn Number Two?? Yeah, maybe, but not in terms of the BCS. More like #2 in terms of a chocolate pudding splash in the back of the bowl.

Somebody please tell Tommy:

#1 When a 6-foot, 3-inch tall, 290-pound gorilla is fixin' to crash land on the guy who's throwing your godamn football, tell him to RUUUNNNN.

#2 When one of your receivers is hauling ass downfield to catch a hail mary pass, tell him to CATTTTCHHH IT.

And

#3, when your running back is struggling to get to the end zone tell him to not to DROP the fucking ball!

Quiz: How many chances do you give your opponent to score on YOUR 3 yard line? Apparently, according to Auburn play games, T-H-R-E-E!

On another note, how can Arkansas play such dirty ball and still win by 14 points? I've never even heard of some of those penalties. Speaking of dirty ball, looks like the Florida/LSU game will be the frosting on my turdcake today. The only other thing that could top this little tart with a big fucking cherry will be if Georgia beats Tennessee. That would put Auburn in the skidmark of the SEC undies.

Sorry for all the gross references, but I am truly pissed. I could have played better defense against Bo Jackson with several bong hits, a shot of lithium, and a partial lobotomy.

Progress Measured in a Dixie Cup

YIPPY - two coats of paint left and my new front door is done. I wouldn't hire myself to do shit since it's taken me four months to replace my front door. What a scam.

I've had it with the paint stripper. I'm pretty sure that's what killed the last brain cell I had and it's getting the cat high and it's just not fair for the cat to get fucked up when I can't.

What a lovely morning. There's nothing like the delightful hum of sirens, barking dogs, RAP MUSIC at 2,000 decibels, ahhhh--- the "Ballad of the 'Hood". Maybe that's why I pine for such places as Rabun or Los Roques.

On the subject of mornings, how is it that on mornings that begin with "monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, and friday", I can't drag my sorry ass out of bed to save Earth. BUT - you give me a Saturday morning or a Sunday morning and the bells start chiming at FIVE AM.

On the subject of the 'Hood, I want one of these:



No, not so I can drive it (fat-fucking-chance), but so the brothers in the 'Hood really think I'm nuts. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've accomplished that already. My favourite thing in the world to do is stand on the front porch, hands on hips and just stare at 'em. You know, with a look that says, "please just give me an excuse to blow your sorry, welfare-sucking ass off the planet". I'm pretty sure they think I have a RPG in the house. I mean, if you're truly a crazed nut at the end of your rope, a handgun just won't do the trick.

Melissa Ethridge has a song and video out for "An Inconvienent Truth". Great song, but I really don't think I can see the movie. Before Bush leaves office, I'm positive there won't be much breathable air left in this world. What a nimrod. His daddy was on the news last night telling everyone how his little boy really isn't stupid. After all, "he graduated Yale". Whooo-hooo! All that means is that enough money can buy a diploma anywhere.

On the subject of education - or lack thereof - Only 9% of University of Georgia basketball players graduate. That's just plain sad.


On the subject of truly sad, last month two teenagers in the Englewood Manor took a puppy and duct-taped all four of his legs together, then covered him in paint and set him on fire. Since that didn't quite kill him, these little monsters decided to roast him in the oven of the community club. Then, they trashed the community club and went out and started bragging about what they did. They even put on a little "show and tell" for the other twisted fucksticks in the 'Hood. The Fulton DA is requesting that Sonny revise the law for animal abuse so these "boys" can spend some quality time in the Pokie. I beg any Right-wing assmunch to tell me why anyone would disagree with the DA. Where's that RPG, again?

I need a vacation. I wanted to raft the Chatooga this weekend, but they wrote and said there's no water in the river. What fun is that? Actually, I just got back from Florida. Not much of a vacation, perse, but I did get to go to the pool one day. I'm so glad security on the planes has returned to sensible. I accidentally carried a corkscrew on board, but they snatched my bottle of water right out of my grubby paw.

Speaking of water, going down to the bathroom has become a torturous nightmare. First, I've been suffering a wicked-assed kidney infection for two weeks and I have to take this fucking medication that turns your piss orange. I don't mean, orange-hued, I mean fucking Sunkist ORANGE. Thank god the doctor warned me or I'd be freaking out, back in the emergency room. Then, just so my physical discomfort isn't outmatched by my mental anguish, Army ROTC has moved down the hall and they have put pictures of everyone in the Bush Administration (yup, to include President Fuckstick) up and down the walls. And it's not just the pictures, these jokes have more shit on the walls than a pre-pubscent teenager. Military recruiters really are a bunch of amoral retards.

And it goes without saying that if the Democrats can't take down this asshole-ee-oh,



then we're even more fucked than previously feared. If you're so stupid as to EMAIL slutty messages to teenagers, you deserve a spanking. Now he gets to hide out in re-hab, 'cause his homosexuality was due to the fact he's a fucking lush. And he was the chairman of the committee to end child explotation. Talk about putting the gay, pedophiliac, drunk fox in charge of the kindergarten coop. Floridians must be so proud. And the right-wingers are running for the hills.

The Washington Post wrote that the 700 mile fence on the Texas border that the Republicans are bragging about approving won't be built after all. If memory serves, that would mean that these dipshits have accompished NADA, niente, nicht since they have been back in session and they're going on recess again. Well, maybe not until some of them lose their seats thanks to Foley. However, this country is so fucked up, I'm not sure anyone, the least being a Democrat, can fix it - ever.

Also in the news: Jimmy Buffett gets busted with drugs. And?

Scottish news reports a 15-year old white boy was viciously murdered by Arabs because he was white. What the fuck is wrong with this world when shit like this happens in Scotland? Houston, Atlanta, Oakland, maybe... but Scotland?

Some good news? Pot smokers may be able to avoid Alzheimer's. Where's my bong?

Other good news? This little precious



will be on a National Geographic show this Sunday. Her name is Legadema and she was photographed over a period of three years by a couple in Botswana. They said that at one point she killed a baboon for food, then found the baboon's baby and actually nurtured it. How fucking awesome is that?

Speaking of critters, Lun Lun's new cub is just damn cute



Of course, Zoo Atlanta is going to have an auction in a month to determine what the baby will be called. Since the last baby born at the zoo (a gorilla) is now called Macy's (yup, after the department store), maybe we'll have to call Lun Lun's cub "Home Depot".

Holy, sweet Jesus, I'm so fucking bored at this job, I'm blogging about goddam pandas. Time to get out of here.

Son,

... fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

That being said, Georgia has the dubious distinction of being the 46th dumbest, and 12 fattest, state in the country. YA-HOOOOO! Oh, and we're getting poorer and sicker, too.



"Ya want some gofer, Everett?"

According to the Trust for America's Health, here's how we southerners rank amongst the rest of the country...

INSIDE TODAY: Fat sure knows how to say y'all
Holy Grits, Fatman. The nationwide problem of being overweight has a distinct Southern accent. A national health report released Tuesday finds eight of the 10 fattest states are in the South. A7 (teaser)

1. Mississippi ..........29.5 percent
2. Alabama ..............28.7 percent
3. West Virginia ........28.6 percent
4. Louisiana ............27.4 percent
5. Kentucky..............26.7 percent
6. Tennessee ............26.6 percent
7. Arkansas..............26.4 percent
8. (tie) Indiana ........26.2 percent
8. (tie) South Carolina..26.2 percent
10. Texas................25.8 percent
11. Michigan ............25.6 percent
12. Georgia..............25.5 percent
Source: Trust for America's Health

Must be all those chitlins, hamhocks, and collards swimming in backfat. Yum. Actually, I have no idea what a 'chitlin' is and something tells me I don't want to know. I've probably dissected one in biology class, but I don't want to know what it looks like covered in gravy on a dinner plate.



"Stupid is as Stupid Does"

Top 5 States and their average SAT scores (the highest you can get is 2400)?


1. North Dakota: 1815

2. Iowa: 1806

3. Illinois: 1786

4. South Dakota: 1772

5. (tie) Minnesota and Wisconsin: 1765

Now, I can understand why North and South Dakota are so high. First, they only have about 25 people under the age of 78 in the State. Second, those 25 folks have about a 1:1 student:teacher ratio. Minnesota and Wisconsin are high because it's so fucking cold, kids don't have anything else to do while they sit inside watching the blizzard snowfall. In Iowa, studying is better than farming and there's $$$$ in Illinois.

Now for the lemming nitwits:

46. Georgia: 1477

47. Pennsylvania: 1476

48. Florida: 1473

49. South Carolina: 1465

50. Hawaii: 1463


Hell, I could have scored a 1477 with a bottle of Jack and half a dozen qualudes. Don't ask me about Pennsylvania. Too many braincells killed in coalmines, maybe.

Of course, the new SAT has an added essay, which Gov. Perdue used to try to explain the low scores. However, since Georgia is now number forty-SIXTH and not forty-NINTH, he's touting it as a major victory and a great reason to re-elect him.

However, Sonny is also responsible for sending Georgia to the eighth highest group of folks that are uninsured. This along with our spiked poverty rate means the right-wing nutcases are doing what they promised. Elimate the poor and middle class through illness and stupidity, increase the wealthy base by eliminating taxes for the rich. Ahhhhhh, utopia!

Why We Pay $3.00 for a Gallon of Gas

Yeah, this really chaps my ass (thanks to Z-man for sending this)

Dubai, United Arab Emerates

Construction Phase:










Construction Complete (notice the scale by checking the palm trees)




Remember, this is in the middle of the desert.... The very HOT desert where temperatures get up to 120 degrees....






Now for a look inside...
























Why do we pay three bucks a gallon for gas? So these nimrod bastards can fucking ski in the desert. I shit you not. It's not like they don't have the cash to go to Aspen or Stowe or even the Alps. Of course, I guess we're the lemming dipshits since we're the ones paying them to play.

Un-fucking-believable.

Pictures and Whatnot

This is one of the first monochromatic photographs published in the National Geographic. I love this style of photography. Yeah, I also love the fact that this is a picture of one of my most favourite places, Southern France.


Now for something completely different...



This is another reason why Communists should be shot in the face. There was a big rabies scare in China earlier this month. By "big", I mean about 50 people came down with the disease. The Communist answer: Kill every dog you can find. No, I don't mean a lethal-injection-kill, I mean, bash-the-fucking-skull-in-with-a-stick-kill. According to the AP, the Chinese have killed over 50,000 animals. Officers have been seen snatching dogs out of owners yards, tricking the dogs out of homes and then beating them to death.

This level of blatant stupidity simply chaps my ass raw.



And onto happier thoughts:

I want to take one of these



and sail around these



Right now I'm going it alone, but I may have hooked a friend from the north to go with me. My lure included reminding her that she wouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving with one of her sisters - who she's about to kill, we haven't hung out in over a year, and since she's a jewelry designer, she could get inspiration on the trip (OK, that one could be a stretch, but I'm desperate). Another friend said I should put in an ad in MySpace, but I don't think that's such a great idea on a number of levels - I can just see myself tooling around the Caribbean with a psycho-killer.



On another note:
There is an awesome morpholution in this month's Vanity Fair. Check it out at vanityfair.com and scroll to the bottom of the page.


Also, there is a photo essay containing pictures not previously published from 9-11. Still really raw stuff like


The juxtaposition of this particular photo is truly creepy.


Of course, since 9-11 was started by Al Qaida and everyone knows Al Qaida and Saddam are in bed together we were completely justified in invading a soveriegn country, right Georgie?

From yesterday's press conference:

BUSH: Imagine what the world would be like with him in power. The idea is to try to help change the Middle East.

Now look, part of the reason we went into Iraq was -- the main reason we went into Iraq, at the time, was we thought he had weapons of mass destruction. It turns out he didn't, but he had the capacity to make weapons of mass destruction.

But I also talked about the human suffering in Iraq. And I also saw the need to advance a freedom agenda. And so my answer to your question is that -- imagine a world in which Saddam Hussein was there, stirring up even more trouble in a part of the world that had so much resentment and so much hatred that people came and killed 3,000 of our citizens.

(and Georgie isn't stirring up trouble? Sorry, my own interjection, there)

You know, I've heard this theory about, you know, everything was just fine until we arrived and -- you know, the stir-up-the-hornet's- nest theory. It just doesn't hold water, as far as I'm concerned.

The terrorists attacked us and killed 3,000 of our citizens before we started the freedom agenda in the Middle East. They were ...

QUESTION: What did Iraqi have to do with that?

BUSH: What did Iraq have to do with what?

QUESTION: The attacks upon the World Trade Center.

BUSH: Nothing. Except for it's part of -- and nobody's ever suggested in this administration that Saddam Hussein ordered the attack. Iraq was a -- Iraq -- the lesson of September the 11th is: Take threats before they fully materialize, Ken.


Hmmmm, me thinks I remember a conversation Dick had with Tim Russert on Sept 8, 2002

VICE PRES. CHENEY: Well, I want to be very careful about how I say this. I’m not here today to make a specific allegation that Iraq was somehow responsible for 9/11. I can’t say that. On the other hand, since we did that interview, new information has come to light. And we spent time looking at that relationship between Iraq, on the one hand, and the al-Qaeda organization on the other. And there has been reporting that suggests that there have been a number of contacts over the years. We’ve seen in connection with the hijackers, of course, Mohamed Atta, who was the lead hijacker, did apparently travel to Prague on a number of occasions. And on at least one occasion, we have reporting that places him in Prague with a senior Iraqi intelligence official a few months before the attack on the World Trade Center. The debates about, you know, was he there or wasn’t he there, again, it’s the intelligence business.

We in the Deep South refer to this as a "doggie on a hardwood".

As usual, I couldn't watch the idiot's press gig yesterday and I could barely choke through the transcript this morning. What a load of shit. He should just keep his flap shut. The dipshit even said the feds have given $100 BILLION to Katrina victims. Looks like Ray Nagin will be on Meet the Press Sunday to say something to the contrary.

Speaking of TV - the final episode of Meerkat Manor comes on Friday, followed by a brand new Bill Maher. Works for my loser-ass self.


And back to happier items...

Ahhhh



Time to get off my ass and go for a 5 miler. I've done enough blogging this morning to earn my paycheck. Gotta love those taxpayer dollars hard at work.

Enough to Make a Vegetarian Puke

From the BBC: A protester campaigns for animal rights by appearing as a pack of human meat outside stores in Covent Garden, London.

This is Me After Too Many Margaritas

Buenos Noches.

Why? 'Cause the Shit is Cute, Godammit

Procrastination at it's Best

This - my blog - is my last attempt to prolong the inevitable - I have to finish the restoration of my living room and hallway. If it weren't for the megadeath fumes from the paint stripper (oh, and the work), I wouldn't mind so much. Actually it's not the work, it's just the anxiety to see the finished product. Then again, its been three months since I replaced the front door and I'm just now getting to the moulding (and thanks to my crap plaster work, there will be plenty of moulding). So there's the perfect contridiction. Needless to say, everything is a slide puzzle around here. I have to finish the front door so I can move shit from the den into the living room, then I have to finish the hallway so I have places to store the shit that's in the dining room (previously displaced into said dining room to finish said hallway). Then I really have to break out the paint stripper. T-H-R-E-E door frames and T-H-R-E-E big windows. I'm actually pricing replacing the windows first. Better to replace the windows before you do an assload of plaster work. Unlike the rest of my house - front door for example. Lesson learned. I also have to get started on the rewire. Looks like there's a cool audio stereo system that will work well in the house. So I have to price that and throw it into my estimate. Well worth it!

Anyway, I have tried everything possible to procrastinate finishing these little projects, likely because it will mean I actually met a milestone in my little project called Spanky. This is not to say there aren't future things in the works - especially building out the west side, tearing out the kitchen wall, building a bathroom downstairs... ah, long story and blogging about restoring your house is as pathetic as catblogging.

One of my diversions was the Sunday AJC. I get a lot of good stuff from the Atlanta Urinal-Constipation.

Some crumbles from today:

----A former El Al security expert says the only way you can keep undesirables off planes is with profiling, not technology. Leo Gleser, a former sky marshal and El Al secruity officer said, "Your behavior is different when you know this is your last day". Interesting, it ain't about profiling for race, nationality, or any of that shit. It really does come down to body language and behaviour! Sadly, though, if this is true ATL is still screwed. Do you honestly think we have CITY workers capable of attaining this level of education and talent?

----BP just went on my EatShitList. Aside from the fact that they can't - or don't - perfom preventive maintenance on their equipment and infrastructure is obscene. I work at Georgia Tech and we've had a more efficient PM program than this for a decade. The difference being we serve 25 thousand people and we have an operating budget of around 8 million. BP/AMOCO serves ---how many million ---- and their folks bring home ---- how many billion? Then I get a letter in the mail that says I can no longer pay my bill electronically through my bank. They will send me a paper bill . Well, that won't work because I prefer the ease of paying online and if BP and Bank of America had some falling-out, why should I have to write out a check, buy stamps, and find a mailbox because of it. When I called to pay over the phone, I was going to get charged EIGHT dollars. Now, it's not about the money, it's about, well... the money. Why the hell should BP get any extra money from me just because they don't have online payment anymore? Blah, blah... more catblogging.

Berlin has agreed to a 51 million dollar proposal to protect what's left of the Berlin Wall. This is a good thing. I can understand why folks, who lived through the Cold War, would want it down, but this really does represent mistakes that were made and without those reminders we're destined to repeat that history. I remember that day in October when I was sitting in front of the TV and saw those images of the Wall coming down. I went to Berlin about 6 months after that and got a piece of it. I bet there are a bunch of folks out there with little chunks of the Wall.

Speaking of historic mistakes, what the hell are we doing in the the Middle East? What are we not doing in Africa...? Ah, fuck it - it's Sunday morning and not a good time for a rant.


Global warming hoax: Georgia's estuaries are dying and creating a 70 percent increase in the jellyfish population. I hate fucking jellyfish, little bastards hurt like hell, and sadly this is NOT a hoax.

The travel section has a headline for a different type of vacation: Renting a houseboat. Considering this is what I want to be living on in a year of so, why not test drive it first? The only problem is this particular package is in Minnesota. Not real interested in Minnesota, perse, I would rather just learn how to live on one.

Cynthia McKenney LOST. That was unbelievable. We shall see what happens with that district. The rumour is the victory went to a guy who she says is backed by local Republicans. OK, whatever, at least he hasn't punched out a security guard - yet. Lieberman got served, too. As Jon Stewart said, "So you're for example, a respected, three-term sitting senator who was once his party's vice presidential nominee. The list of things that you would need to do to lose your party's primary starts with strangling a kitten in front of childern in wheelchairs and gets worse from there." (My tea went up the schnaza reading that one.)

99X and Park Tavern are hosting a free concert tonight (Unplugged in the Park). It's an acoustic gig under at tent at the Tavern. The feature artist tonight is Blue October, my current favourite band. I heard over 3,500 people showed up to see Pete Yorn last week, but I still have tenative plans to go to this. It should be interesting. These free shows generally attract folks about 15 years my junior and 3,500 20-somethings is a lot of for a tent. Also, considering the first two opening acts don't start until 7 and 8, my band won't come on until 10ish at best - and that's just about my Sunday nighty-night time. Also, there is NO parking at Piedmont and no real public transit from here, so I have to park at Tech and walk about 15 blocks - hey, MOM, remember Paris 2000?

Also in the news: Happy Belated Birthday to #1 Baby Bro and #2 Baby Anna-Banana who both got a year wiser on August 10. Sounds like Missy was able to pull off the surprise! Congratulations!

And lastly, in the AJC: This from the Vent, "My wife is a real slut. She got pregnant two months after I had the vasectomy I didn't tell her about". OUCH.

Well, the dryer just buzzed, I'm out of wittiness, and I have the hopeful exuberance of someone about to lose her last remaining brain cells thanks to paint stripper and 100-year old heart-of-pine. WEEEEEE! Actually, it shouldn't be so bad today. Mother Nature decided to give us a break and it will only get to 84 and overcast. Nice to have the windows open and get breezes.

It's the Heat, Dumbass

Mikey...




Now, if you don't believe in global warming, you simply are a dumbass.




My arch-nemisis, Southern Company, is filled with them.

From this week's Creative Loafing...

"Oil, mainly in the form of gasoline, is the largest source of the United States' carbon dioxide emissions. But coal is a close second -- and releases more carbon dioxide per unit of energy than does any fossil fuel. Millions of Southerners burn gasoline. But, in the region, one corporation burns much of the coal: Southern Co."





Here's a neat little comparison



vs.

and


No wonder, Georgie doesn't believe in global warming.

Read the whole thing at www.atlanta.creativeloafing.com It just really burns my ass - pardon the pun.

If You're Into Math Problems...

Question:

A Backhoe weighing 8 tons is on top of a flatbed trailer and heading east on Interstate 70 near Hays, Kansas.

The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 ½ inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.


Solve: When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half? (Assume no effect for headwind and no braking by the driver...)


Extra Credit: Solve for the time and distance required for the entire rig to come to a complete stop after hitting the overpass at the speed calculated above. Yes, you can neglect friction...


Think hard.


Get out the calculator and think outside the box.

Do you have the answer, yet?


Well, I fucking hate math problem but MAN, I love the visual aides!











Looks like somebody mighta lost his CDL...