SO, just because I care how you look to others in public, I am offering up these little tidbits of advice when it comes to sitting at the table and consuming food. Of course, if you have no problem being confused with the latest Zoo primate at the dinner table, continue your barbaric, primordal habits - but don't blame me if you never get laid again.
1) I truly KNOW what food looks like after a whizz around the Cuisinart. Combined with personal saliva is an extra treat so... that's right Bubba, eat with you fucking mouth shut. Yeah, kinda seems difficult if you think about it so let me clarify - eat with your fucking lips shut and you can still chew/swallow.
2) Speaking of chewing - try putting into your mouth only that which you can chew with your lips shut. By this, I mean, don't stuff HALF the loaded burger into your puss just so I can see what you can swallow. I loved it when "Ape #1 stuffed half the sandwich into his mouth, only to open it two chews later to get a big swallow full of tea. I can't see how swallowing food whole is good for anyone unless you're a goddamn Great White.
3) Speaking of smaller bites and chewing with your lips shut - slow-the-fuck-down-when you eat!!! Nobody is in a contest. Case in point: I had a salad (medum sized) and Ape #2 had a pizza. Guess who finished their eats first? A general rule for eating and it was intended for people's health, not so much for etiquette (see if you can handle this one): Try putting your fork down between every bite. It really isn't easy if you're the typical Buffoon, but try it anyway. Also, try to eat what's in your mouth and swallow it, before endulging in that next morsel.
4) Napkins are on the table for a reason, Butthead. Please do NOT wipe your mouth with the back of your hand, then swipe it down the Duckheads. Oh my, I couldn't believe Ape #3 pulled this one, but if I only had a camera.
5) This point is a stickler with me and can be ignored if you know the company you keep and they don't mind... But, if your food comes first, try to wait until everyone else has been served before you attempt to stick the plate down your face. Really, people with a modicum of class don't want to be eating alone while you sit at the end of the table burping up leftovers and ordering dessert.
6) Please don't eat with your elbows on the table, much less upper arms, elbows, wrists, hands on the table. I mean, when you hover over your plate with your entire upper body, I get the impression you're a rabid dawg, lookin' to protect his meal from scavenger vultures. Emmett-The-Vaccuum-Brain eats like this. I assure you, it ain't pretty.
OK, enough rant... time for the obit portion of this message,
I had to say, "goodbye" to my favourite pair of RayBans today. Roomie gave them to me as a 18th birthday gift three years ago and I've worshipped these glasses since that day. Today, as I was going potty at Neighbours, I bent over to flush and the RayBans dropped into the "Great Swirl" before I had a chance to rescue them.
BAAHHHHHHH!! Like when Charlie Brown lost Snoopy on the "Great River Raft Race". Snoopy, come home - even after your trip through Atlanta city sewer system.
Alas, tomorrow I must succumb to another pair. Go figure - the first time the sun has been out for more than three days in a row... but hey, such is life.
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