The Sum of It's Parts

I am a pretzel. I know this because I got kneaded today. Not to say, I was "needed", but I got my ass, literally, kneaded (aka, lightly risen pizza dough just waiting to get slammed down) only to rise like a phoenix (I hope) in the morning.

Ever since Christmas, I've had this goddman mid-trapezius muscle that has been pulled and has all but crippled me. Been to Kaiser, only to get the useless Flexeril (I guess they aren't useless if you're still into that kinda buzz), but regardless - no use.

So, I fork out the cash and go to a massage therapist in January. He works me over and says - and I quote, "There's not a goddamn thing I can do for you until you see a chiropractor". Whaaaaa??? Me + quack-o-practor = not in this fucking lifetime.

So the muscle really starts being a pain in the ass (well, six vertebre up from my ass, but...) and considering I dropped a C-note on "the kid" for the massage and he used to work in a quake-o-clinic, I figured, what the hey?? After all,dealing with the Kaiser folks, I wonder if there is some reason I get ugly images when I hear the name, Kaiser? Heil...

sorry.

Anyway, Kaiser gives me 20 visits to one of their "approved" quacks. Of course, I have to pick the one in hoity-toity land aka Sandy Springs and I reluctantly go see him. I mean, after all, I'm about to pull a coyote on my own fucking arm, right?

This operation turns out to be a husband and wife team, in a very nice office, who are some of the MOST pleasant people I have ever met - seriously. On the first day there, I was waiting in the torture - hmmm, I mean therapy, room and I was looking at all the anatomical graphics they had on the wall. I could pinpoint exactly what was bothering me (not like I didn't learn this in 2nd year Auburn biology, but time does tend to clean house). Anyway, the "doc" comes in and we start talking and I tell him what is what and where what is doing what and whatnot and the next thing I know he's moving my fucking spine around and... well, it was AWESOME! Freaky, but awesome. It really is amazing how much the spinal column can fuck with the rest of your body - duh, kinda like the engine car fucking with the cabboose, huh?

Anyway, he also showed me some killer back exercises to do with my weights, which I have been working on and I'm actually ready to increase my weight. But, the idea is to get the spine straight while the muscles learn how to hold it there. My posture has been so bad since fourth grade. Now, just picture this: 4th grad class photo; you are 5 foot 8 inches tall, crater-face acne, brilliant wrap-around braces, and in the most malevelent grade ever devised by humans, period... oh, and I'm a FUCKING G-I-R-L. Every "boy" in the fourth grade now rises right about my non-existant chestline so I ask, "Would you not try to shrink to microscopic size?".

Now that you get the picture, the bottom line was that after years of slouching, the old bod said, "fuck it,. this is how it will be". Tell your kids that bullshit your parents crammed down your throat about "stand up straight" really means something. I have the insurance claims to prove it.

OK, so I see the "quack" today, whom I seriously admire with all my gusto, and he tells me (like he needs to tell me) that my trap is "free". So off to the "kid" to make sure there aren't any other muscle groups that will kick my ass later down the road. I show up and Kid is ready - 90 full intense deep tissue massage. Fuck, this kid musta been the WonderBread guy in another life. Needless to say, one lesson you must understand 'bout DEEP tissue massage - it really isn't about that pus "relaxation" thing. When it is done correctly, it is W-O-R-K and there are times when it really is good and there are times when it really, really makes you understand what muscles are where and what they do.

Another thing, once you get kneaded like I did today, know enough NOT to do anything physical for at least 24 hours. Oh, and drink so much fucking water that you piss clear for at least 2 days. Anything short of that will send you to the ER for toxic poisoning. Trust me on this one. Deep tissue massage pushes toxins and crap throughout your bod and if you can't flush it immediately, it doesn't make much since to drop a C note on the massage. Also, it will make you physically sick to boot.

Well, enough of this. I had planned on ripping off the front of my house tonight, but as I said, that really is not a good idea after today. Besides, I need "before" pictures and someone's little bro won't let me know how to do that. After all, I'm not a techno-wiz, just a pretzel.