Deductive Reasoning

If you live in G-E-O-R-G-I-A

and,

it's the dead of S-U-M-M-E-R

and,

it's 92 degrees with 90% humidity

and,

you don't have enough money to buy a condensing unit, a line set and a few feet of duct...

and,

you truly believe you're entitled to a handout

but,

you truly think a good summer job is selling crack on the side of the road


then,

logic would have it that...


you're way too fucking stupid and lazy to have a pet.


The pigs across the street have a dog I know they are breeding to fight. The pigs next door have a puppy that they can barely feed. Neither of these animals have been spayed or neutered. How do I know that? Because they don't even know how to neuter their own family members. If a 22-year old has a four-year old kid, who needs a spay job?

One of the problems with irresponsible pet owners is that they don't fix their animals. Then the animals get out, let nature take over, then we have more animals. Since the dipshits that started this mess can't even feed their own kids, they let these animals loose and they become stray.

These stray dogs killed my cat. "Linus, the Cat, the Squirrely, Squirrely Cat" (if you know the story of the squirrels, you'll get the reference).

"Linus-of-the-jungle".

I miss my cat.

The best thing about Linus was that he HUNTED because it was his nature. I had dead squirrels, rats, mice, birds, roaches, rats... you name it - show up on my back porch when he was on patrol. This was a "thanks" for him. Had he thought anything different, he would have eaten these critters and left their bones in the woods, but he knew he had been well fed and he was only bringing me back what he could.

The first time I've ever wanted to kill an animal was when I realized these stray dogs had killed Linus. Then I re-directed that anger to where it belongs... now I'm going to kill the pigs across the street who put those dogs in that situation.

Maybe when I finish the task and they begin a run to the Pearly Gates, they will find that God is actually a four-legged furry critter and He will exact His revenge appropriately.

Rest in Peace, Linus-the-CAT. I hope you got to Heaven and realize it is actually one big CATNIP farm. I'll always miss you, Tiger.

Why the US Should NOT have a Football Team

Because after that astonishing game yesterday where France rose up and kicked the mierda out of Spain, the only mention of the game in today's AJC was a third page pseudo-paragraph.

The US doesn't deserve a team, much less one that should go to the World Cup. If you can't make the front page of the SPORT section of this once-in-a-four-year event... go and stay HOME.

Do Not Tell Me

... that some of us didn't evolve from apes -




or ferrets -





or dorkfish -




DAMN, Vanity Fair is selling a book with portraits of all these World Cup players. Sadly, it looks like all the photos were taken just after the game. They even managed to make Boy-Becks and Zindane look like shit. Who the hell wants a book that does that?

Knock, Knock

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange, who?


Orange you glad you ain't on the US football team?


That's got to be a total bum flight home. However, if you can't run with the big dawgs, stay on the porch. They say Arena will get shitcanned for the US show in Germany this year. I think they should shitcan the whole team and start over. I mean, if you're my age and heavily medicated, you shouldn't showcase your sorry ass running around a football field on international television.

Italy finally turned on the gas yesterday. You can tell that Brazil is still holding back, but by next week, they should really turn it up, too. The Germans should send the Swedes home tomorrow and hopefully BIG ORANGE will take the Portugese.

And some words of advice for fans, be sure the paint you use to show your team colours is washable, especially if it's blue and orange. Duh.

Destination Chill

Pick one. I'll give you a hint as to location: Es necessario que habla español aquí. AND, we won't freeze our asses off this time.






or





or




or



The middle of November would be a good time to go. That's only about 147 days.

Then there is this place...



which came highly recommended by my friend and local sadist, Nellie, who is Venezuelan (gave that one away right there).

Seen on the Road

Bumper Sticker:

"The trouble with Baptists is they don't hold them down long enough."


I can say that because I'm Catholic living in a society submerged in Southern Baptist morals - or is that a contradiction in terms?



And;

"Fat people are harder to kidnap."


I can say that because I used to be fat and, if I don't stay away from fried green tomatoes, it may happen again.

How to Get into the World Cup Spirit

These are urinals in Dortmund that have little goal posts where a guy can practice his aim.

How clever.

Things that Suck in Sports Right Now

#1 The Braves


#2 Roethlisberger (yeah, I had to look up how to spell it) doesn't need a helmet nor does he have a license. He should go to jail for just being stupid. Oh, I forgot. Someone once reminded me that "it ain't a crime to be dirty, stupid, or an asshole." Lovely how I can remember that and not my own phone number.


#3 Tiger missed the cut in a major for the first time. And, it's Father's Day weekend. Maybe he wasn't ready after all. Sorry, Tiger.


#4 The US didn't win the game today (that must have freaked out the few that read my stuff). I really am beginning to wish the US had won. I mean, the Italians played like 5-year old girls, but the U.S. whined like 5-year old girls after that red card... well, after every single call that ref made. Granted, the US got some shit calls, but every team does. Deal with it as part of the game and play.

The half time American commentators on ABC were so fucking whiney, I had to switch to Univision to finish watching the game. Even the Latin commentator said that the fans of the US need to understand that shit happens. Actually, that's not a direct quote and my Spanish is bit rusty, but I got the drift.

I can't wait to see what will come out about this in the American soccer community. But, I'm sure the fact that Italy has had some issues with gambling and whatnot... naaaaah, let's just call it a "fair-called game with a couple of hiccups".



#5 Looks like my Dutchmen might get their lunch handed to them on Wednesday. I understand the need to score goals in the early round, but SIX to nothing. I bet that was the longest ninety minutes of Serbia's soccer life. At least give the Dutch a through-and-through so the bloodletting won't be so gruesome.


And what really sucks about sports...

#6 This little nugget...



... is married....

.........oh yeah, and way too fucking young for me.

Orange

I have the perfect orange dress to wear when I go to the Brewhouse on Wednesday to watch Argentina roll-up and smoke my Dutchmen.

Quote of the Day

This morning, after Spain kicked Ukraine in the teeth, Eric "I'm So Cool" Wynalda...

(OK, he might be an great, but he's still a dick)

... says, "This win by Spain today is good news for the US Team. At least now the US isn't the BIGGEST loser in the Cup."

OUCH.

Hang in there, USA - well until Saturday, anyway.

Sadly, Italy is going to eat your lunch.

At least the Ukraines busted their asses for 90 minutes against that Conquistador ass-whopping this morning. If y'all are still tripping on Prozac and try to play the Italians, especially after enduring your homegrown skeptics, it could get bloody.


That being said, I really thought Germany would beat Poland by at least two-nil, espeically because they were at home. But that was one hell of a game. I even found myself cheering for Poland. Congratulations to Poland for really holding their own in that game.

U.S. Ass-Whipping

The United States football team got their ass handed to them by some pretty tricky Czechs. I mean, d-a-m-n. What a blood bath that was. Who the hell made the US the 5th best team in the world?? They were sound, fucking asleep today. Now, between that and the Italian whopping of Ghana (I'd feel bad for them, but they were playing dirty ball in the end), my prediction is the US won't be going to the Quarterfinals this time. I don't think they'll even score any points if they don't step it up. The Italy-Ghana game was all-balls-out.

But, the absolute BEST game of the day was the Aussie mauling of the Japanese, especially when the Japs got that bullshit goal and the Aussies scored THREE points in 10 minutes. HOLY Shit! What a game. Kangas all over the place.

Epistemic Access

Sounds like a really big SAT concept, but it's nothing.

Really, really nothing.

If we cannot understand that there are alternate realities, we can never really understand what we are doing here. If quantum physics cannot explain this, what make us think we can? If the brain can "see" 4 billion parts of reality, but our noodle can only process about 2,000 of those pieces, what is the Reality. Or is there such a thing? The possiblities are endless and facinating.

How far down the Rabbit hole can you go?

Too bad I don't have any peyote or pot. I could Mentally lose myself and how sweet would THAT be.

Right now, Reality = Dutch ass-whooping, Mexican ass-whooping and the best godamn homemade "Heath bar", cookie-cream, chocolate chip ice cream ever. Can you say, "another ten miles on the treadmill"? MY reality.

Speaking of Germany

What the hell did they feed this guy? Lots of schnitzel?

I'm Anti-American

OK, so I've been accused of being Anti-American.

Is that because I think Bush is a MOE-ron Puppet?

Or because I think the direction of this country is backwards?

Or because I think Ann Coulter is a stupid ass?

Or because I think Democracy needs a facelift?

Or because I want to leave and move to a different country?

OR -----
(And I really don't give a shit) ----

because the same folks that bitch to me never know that I have the bloodlines of a real American...


That would be called a NATIVE American.

Not "African-American"

Not "Mexican-American"

I am a fucking N-A-T-I-V-E American - Choctow/Chickasaw.

You have to know... That means that my family was here FIRST - very, very first. I mean before whitey-English-man came over and stole this country, then ran off or killed every native that was here. Do NOT speak to me about taking over another person's land. What whitey did to the REAL Americans is unbelievable, and still mostly unspoken. I really have a scratch on my butt to go to write more scathing remarks, but I'll behave.

Just shut those stupid, whitey, Republican, land-grabbing, dickheads up for 10 seconds.

If you had to live across the street (and now next door) to a bunch of non-productive pigs who do nothing but suck the blood out of society (and sell the one drug that makes them more money that I can earn in 10 years), then whine about the fact that they want to be repaid for their days as slaves 200 years ago... kiss my Redskin ass. Choctow and Chichawas are a beautiful people that were murdered and annihilated long before CNN and FoxNews knew anything about them.

Yeah, I'm bitter, but I do NOT like people to stupidly, ignorantly, and sadly forget the ones that were here first. That's not a good place to be as a "country".

To call me an Anti-American means, I have the right to kick you in the teeth. But since I'm not of the violent type, I'll just give you some peyote tea and I'll talk you into jumping off a cliff.

In the News

Well, you wake up to find the US has knocked off an Islamic terrorist - a big one, but a terrorist nonetheless. Let me make a prediction here, Bush (who ironically has had little to say thus far - alright, it's only 5 AM and he's probably still a little sleepy bear) will take allllllll the credit and the half-wit, right-wing nutjobs will boost his approval ratings and re-take the small grounds the lefters have gained in Congress.

Meanwhile, this is the opinion I'll stick with:

Islamist expert Yasser al-Sirry

"Zarqawi's death, if confirmed, will have little effect on the jihad in Iraq."

"He made clear several times that he is the leader of one faction that is fighting under the Mujahideen Council umbrella. I expect no let up in the jihad, maybe even an escalation as his followers wage retribution killings."

Sirry said he would only be sure of Zarqawi's death when Al Qaeda announced it: "They will not shy from announcing it, after all, he is a martyr."


I mean, it's kinda like me killing a cockroach in the bathroom. Now that he's taken the big swirl, do I really believe that will be the last one I have to kill? We've had no rain here in two weeks (no, I'm not in Phoenix). That means that roaches and every other critter are looking for water. Kinda your little insecta-jihad.

Meanwhile, the biggest pictures to come out of the Middle East are the ones of the dead bodies from Haditha. Now, when a bunch of US Marines go postal on some fucking Hillbillies in Po-dunk Iraq, I think we need to re-think our strategies. Just my opinion, folks.


Also in the news:
"Hartsfield earns top global efficiency award" Whaaaa?

"A study released this week rated Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport as the most productive in the world when operating costs were balanced against flights and cargo handled, passengers moved and revenue generated."

OH! "When compared to 'operating costs'."

That explains it.


24 hours and the Cup begins. This should be interesting. I hope the boss doesn't actually expect me to be in that office three or four hours a day for the next two weeks. REALLY, how silly. Oh, a German is pissed off because Budweiser paid 40 Million for the pouring rights at the games. If I were German, I'd be pissed, too. Hell, I'm not German, but I wouldn't touch Budweiser if I were dying on an island surrounded by piss. Might as well be in a raft as close to water as that is. However, if Warsteiner couldn't come up with the duckies to pour at their own games, who's the dumbass? Still, Budweiser - at a World Cup football match - IN Germany? Whoda thunk it. The power of commercializism.

Oh, and lastly, my horoscope says, "No one will be able to predict what you are going to do today. Be ready for an emotional scene."

I'm sorry, but this isn't a horoscope, it's the quote that will be etched into my fucking headstone.

Truth-isms

Ann Coulter is a stupid bitch.


OUCH! Did that offend you???? Ohhhhh, sooooo sorry! I mean, I actually live to write shit that makes everyone feel-good and touchy-feely.

Seriously, though, stop reading now, 'cause it won't get any sweeter, I promise.

Back to it..

Ron White is a fucking genius.

True Southerners are intellegent, rednecks and hillbillies are wannabees.
True Southerns know the difference.


Those who cannot cook, should not. They should hire those who can cook. Food is essential to human existence. You should not fuck around with food. Sorry, if I offend any cavemen.

Speaking of existence, don't ever, ever, EVER, try to quote an existentialist when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. My whole life was spent in parochial school where we were force-fed every godamn philosopher on the planet. Oh, then I went to college and had (actually, I chose) to learn even more about this shit. The reason they call it "existentialist" is the prefix, "E-X-I-T". Have at it. Die and be done. I prefer other options. I know existentialism like the back of my fucking hand and I know how to rage against the machine. Read Camus and feel the real pain of existence (a good started for novices is, "The Plague"). Or better yet, test drive Doestoevsky. Nothing like, "The Idiot" to really make you appreciate life. I've even tried to learn Russian so I could get the real meaning - since English translaters are suck fuckwits (thanks to an Irish friend for that very descriptive noun).

Today is 06-06-06. So many freaking Bible-thumpers are crawling out of the woodwork today because of some numbers. That being said, my Mum, her good friend, and my cat were born on this day. I think it's a beautiful day. Bible-thumpers should rethink their priorities. After all, they have that Ann Coulter to deal with. If she were my poster-child, I'd have to reconsider my subscription.

Four days- WORLD CUP. Four years since the last tournie. Sadly, apparently, racism is not just an American concept. I have lived in Germany for a long while and never saw it, but it seems to be huge in certain parts of Europe. The FIFA Pres. said he won't tolerate it, but that will be something to watch. Baby Bro, who is huge footballer fan/player, says that it was a really ballsy statement, but since football is a national sport and nationals tend to be facist, well, again - lets see what happens.

Speaking of football - I read in the Irish Times that England had already made arrangemnts for their victory party... My prediction... I hope they have lots of Vatapá and Churrasco 'cause Brazil is gonna eat their lunch. If I were a betting man that would be my call, but I would love to see Germany or Italy take home the Cup. Thank you so much ESPN and ABC for showing the games. Saves me the money of going to the Brewhouse, although that is definately on the roster for the final.

Speaking of football., why does a child,



born with three arms, need one removed?

Three arms would make him the best goalie on the planet.

Damn, I guess I'm going to hell for that one, too, but it should be a good ride. Dolyniuk used to say she had the "Golden Seat", but I might qualify faster, especially with this newly found pissy attitude.

My Quote

I can do this in Spanish, German or Italian, and even in French, but English works well for me...

MY BLOG =

Writer be F-R-E-E

Reader be W-A-R-E.

AKA, if you don't like what I write, don't fucking read it.

This isn't rocket science.

Duh?

And So I'm Published...

Not much, but I made the AJC anyway...

When David's sister died and the funeral was intended for 48 hours later, I called to get a "bereavement flight". This, in the salad days, was a flight that the airlines could give you at a discount. Considering I didn't have seven days notice (thanks, Beck for not telling me a week ago that you were going to kick the bucket) and it was the end of the month and all my money was going toward Ireland, well, I just had to vent. This actually made the editorial though, so considering only four people on the planet read my blog, I figured I'd advertize.

Anyway, it was going to be $1,000 so David could get to the funeral. However, the previous week, a Delta CEO was given a severance package upwards of 200 million. Yup, that made me a bit pissy...

Hell, I'd send the link, but you can look at ajc.com for May 24th and see my name and bitch session.

Ireland

I can't say enough about how awesome Ireland was. Definately a place I will return to and sooner than later. Maybe by this autumn. Here are some of the best photos, most of which are chronologically listed. Here's Mum at JFK.




Mummy and I met in New York. Stupidly, we flew into LaGuardia and took the shuttle to JFK. Do NOT ever do this. It costs $13 per person and it can take 2 hours to get to JFK, even though they say it's only 45 minutes. Take a cab. Same price, much faster. However, we had a long enough layover and Mummy was smart enough to be a Crown Room member. Gotta love the Crown Room!

The flight over was not too cool. I guess we didn't think to get the first class seats so we were in coach and I had the only seat that would not recline. Oh, and the movie was, "King Kong". Holy shit what a horror. Then, we actually landed in Dublin for a couple of hours, then flew back to Shannon. What's up with that? Of course, Delta sent Mum's bag to Ft. Lauderdale. I felt sorry for the chick who's bag wound up in Shannon. Ah well, off to the car rental place. Let me tell you, this has been an issue I've been most worried about. I've never driven on the wrong side of the car, on the wrong side of the road. Mum took over first, though. And off to Newgrange did we go.

Now, here in America, if you see a sign that says, "XXX City: 121 km", you think, OK, that should be about an hour drive. This is NOT the case in Ireland. First, the speed limit (when you're lucky) is 100 km and hour. This is when you aren't stuck behind a big truck, on a no passing road. Second, whilst on the subject of roads, we're talking bike paths here, not highways. THIS is why we rent itty-bitty cars. Anyway, after stopping for lunch, I took over driving. It wasn't too bad until we hit Dublin. This was NOT cool. It took us over 2 hours to get through Dublin. By the time we headed north to Newgrange, I was a little cranky. Jetlagged, frayed nerves, and traffic make Susie-Q a cranky little bee-atch. However, when you pull into a place that looks like this...




...things start really looking up. The lady that owned the B&B was Mrs. Aisling Law. What a sweet woman. She apparently lost her husband on Christmas of 2004. You could tell she was still a very sad lady, but as kind and gracious as anyone I've ever met. She had a housekeeper and a butler-type who reminded us of Michael from "Waking Ned Devine".

The next day, we go on our tour of Newgrange. Now, I had no idea what Newgrange, or Knowth was because I didn't read all the books on the history of Ireland as my traveling partner had. This kid (I'm pretty sure he was an archeological student) gave us a tour and this place is facinating. It's kinda involved, but basically Newgrange is a mononlithic burial site that is engineered such that five days a year, during the winter solstace, the sun comes through the roof and illuminates the interior of the structure. Pretty impressive shit when you consider this place is over 5,000 years old and I'm almost positive their surveying equipment was less than par. This is what Newgrange looks like to all you slackers that will never get to go yourselves...















Finishing up in Newgrange, it was time to trek clear across the country - again - and head to Dingle. This is where the meat of the stay would be. I was concerned that we wouldn't have enough to do there since we would be there for four days, but when you have a full blown spa and shopping and pubs, well...suffice it to say, I could live there and not get bored.

But before I get to Dingle, I must tell you about the dumbest idea I've had in a long, long time. I guess Mum wasn't all that bright either, because she agreed to it. Because I did NOT want to deal with Dublin traffic, I suggested that we take this "smaller" road around Dublin to catch the N7 (this is Ireland's idea of a highway). Now, we didn't necessarily get lost, but we did trek along the most narrow road - bike path - and never got over 40 km an hour. It took me 2 hours to find a little place called Kilcock and that wasn't even our final destination or even close. It was just a town that I figured if we could find, we wouldn't be considered "lost". As Mummy would say, "Well, we wanted to see Ireland, we got to see it". I don't have any pictures of this little jaunt as I was white-knuckling the steering wheel and Mother had a death grip on the Jesus bar (which happened to be the emergency break).

Needless to say, it took 8 hours to drive a mere 140 km (yes, for all of you Irish travelling veterns out there, laugh your asses off, now). By the time we hit the Dingle Penninsula, I was kicking at mach speed over the mountains in our itty-bitty little car and I know Mum was picturing a Snoopy manuever into the ocean. Naturally, the first stop at the Skelling Hotel was the pub.

The second day, we went shopping. The hotel was walking distance from the town, but since it was raining, we drove anyway. More narrow streets, but this is Dingle...














And these are itty-bitty streets















Now might be a good time to talk about the F-O-O-D in Ireland. Before we left, I had to cater a party for St. Patrick's Day. I had a hell of a time trying to find good Irish recipes, you know besides the potatoes-thing. I had no idea how good the food was. We stopped in a music store in town and this wonderful lady suggested we go to the best restaurant in Dingle called, "Out of the Blue". Their slogan is "no meat eaters allowed. If there is no fresh fish, we're not open". Absolutely amazing food...



Yeah, it looks like a real shithole, but don't let that fool you. If you ever go to Dingle, you MUST eat here.

Alright, so now it's Sunday. This is the day that we were planning to spend most of the day in the spa. Between facials, hydrotherapy, massages, hot tubs, saunas, and whatever else you could want, the question then became, "Can you get too relaxed??". My answer: an unequivocal, NO". For all you slugs out there who will never get to do the Irish spa thing... this is what it looks like















Monday we decided to go out on a boat and look for the famous Dolphin, Fungi. Now, here's what the harbour looked like on Monday



Notice the rain clouds and the white capping ocean there, folks??. Did I mention that one of the several things I forgot to pack on this trip was a coat? Yeah, I bought a tweed shawl, which provided me so much fucking warmth - not, as we were heading out into the open ocean to look for a godamn fish. Here's another image (actually Fungi did come out, we just couldn't get a picture in time (again, notice the white capping)



So after getting back to town, we decided it would be best to head straight back to the spa where the steam room awaited to thaw us out. Then it was off to the pub for an early supper. The Irish seem to really like fried garlic mushrooms, so I tried some. These are keepers, folks. I'll have to turn my catering partner on to these things.

My wishful second home...









Mummy in the Pub




















That night we had tickets to see Pauline Scanlon and her entourage play at a very old church in town. Here's me in front of the church - notice there aren't any lightning bolts coming out of the sky!!

















Here's Pauline, Donogh, and Eva playing at the church...



I guess I could have taken a better picture. Anyway, here's her website... check out her music. It really is amazing

http://www.paulinescanlon.com/






So, the next morning, it was time to head back toward the airport as Wednesday would be the most depressing day of the year... aka the return to home day. When we got to the dining hall for breakfast, this is what we saw out the window...



Notice how the water is like glass? Oh, and the sun is shining brightly? I guess we couldn't go looking for that fucking fish on a day like this, huh?








Seriously, though, it was so beautiful it hurt my heart. Then, on the way to Bunratty, we saw images like this...
















And like this (the only picture I got with Mummy the whole trip)







OK, enough pitty-party - time for more historic Ireland... Bunratty Castle! This was a suggestion of an Irish friend and he made an excellent call. This was a really cool castle. Considering most of the castles I've seen were in Germany and had been bombed out during different wars, this castle was actually restored and as a construction person, I absolutely love restorations.
















Here I am next to the Dungeon - how apropos... flashbacks of my childhood
















The next morning, we were off again, this time home. We had a five hour layover in New York because planes don't fly that often into Portland so Mummy and I hung out in the Crown Room and tried not to crash and burn. My flight home was four hours late and Delta sent my bag to LA so I was not happy in the least. But my house did not burn down and my cats were happy to see me, so all is good again.

I've already started planning the next trip. Again, it will be a spa deal and I'm tossing two places around in my little brain...



or



I've got enough catering lined up over the next three or four months that this should be a well deserved trip!

Happy Birthday, Mummy and Me.


PS To family, if you want more pictures, we have them, I just wanted to post some here so as not to clog up your email. Thank you so much for everything!