Happy Halloween

This Just In

If I've had a relatively bad day AND I have PMS AND I just happen to be behind the wheel of my piece of shit car, you may not want to tailgate me or god forbid - jaywalk. I'm telling you this for your own safety.


First, let me say, "Welcome Back, piece-of-shit-old-as-dirt Honda". I've missed you, Buddy. Ol' Buddy has been in Tin Man for a long, long time. Considering two windows don't go down and two don't go up, it leaks break fluid like Niagra Falls, oh - and the engine head is so shot I have to pull the PCV out to drive, Buddy has been in Time Out for the past several months. For those of you who know how much of a tree-hugger I am, this should tickle the shit out of you: The PCV (aka pollution control valve) is a device to help control the CO your car cranks out when you drive. Driving with it unplugged from the engine block is enough to send your local EPA agent into crisis counseling and you to a long visit in the County Motel. But mo-bile, we must be. Besides, I love my little Buddy, paint primer and rust spots, too! I even took Buddy for a car wash, which is how I found out the second window does not go UP. Shit, I didn't realize a backseat had such absorbent "sponge" qualities.

Alright, so the truck has to go to the shop for a brake job and oil change. I won't name the shop - FIRE-FUCKING-STONE, but you can extrapolate. Junior Grease Monkey says Truck will be ready by end of business, which is fine with me since I absolutely live to drive home in Friday-Atlanta downtown-you must be fucking kidding me-rush hour traffic. Alas, it's actually ready early, but I still have to get to my second home (Home Depot) to get my paint and azaleas.

So on the way to Second Home - in the aforementioned traffic - smoke starts billowing out of the right rear tire. Some kind-hearted ass-semaritan starts blowing his horn and screaming, "Your truck is on fire!!!!" Well, a good piss in the pants later, I realize it's a problem with the brake - yup, Mr. Fire-fucking-stone. One call to Jr. GM and he says, "Oh, so sorry, blah blah blah. We open at 7 AM tomorrow." Now what do you do? Well, isn't it obvious?? You fucking drive home in Friday-Atlanta downtown-you must be fucking kidding me-rush hour traffic WITHOUT using your brakes. Duh.

Boy, words just cannot describe how much fun this was. WEEEEEE!

By now, I have blown a 50 amp fuse, a couple of motherboards, not to mention that really big blood vessel that controls blood flow to the brain. But, I still have to go to the grocery because I HAVE NO FOOD, not to mention NO BEER and it's godamn Friday night. That's easily one of the mortal sins, isn't it?

So, hop into Honda (aka Buddy) and off we go. Recalling some of my deflation techniques from my Anger Management class (actually, never been, but I may be on to something here), I crank in a little Natalie Merchant and start searching for my chakra - long missing from my chi - when suddenly in my rearview, there's a nice little Mercedes 6 series, shitass rap cranking at 1600 decibles, right on my fucking back fender. Did I mention it was a one lane road? No? OK, so now the fun starts.

Slow down to 35...30...25, then tap, tap, tap those breaks, now gas it for about 3 seconds - up to 40, then downshift FAST back to 20. I can actually see puffs of smoke coming out of the sunroof from this fuckstick's ride. I was really hoping he'd hit Buddy. I wouldn't mind having a Mercedes 6 series, myself. When the road became two lane and I saw there was a car in the second lane (thank you, Lord of Driver Rage), I magicially became it's long-lost-lover... never wanting to leave it's side. Like the great block at the Indy 500. Lovely. Alas, my exit came up and I had to give up my prey. Stupid fuck was so pissed he probably wrapped himself around that big oak on Boulevard and Woodwind.

So off to Ghetto Kroger. I won't go into details about Ghetto Kroger, but to mention a few notes of interest:

#1 If you take a buggy, put it back or at least, don't leave one in every, fucking parking spot.

#2 For the Ghetto-Kroger workers, can you tell me why 6:30 on a Friday night is the absolute best time to restock the shelves?

#3 Express lane means 10 or F-E-W-E-R items. Most people do not think 30 cans of Spam, 6 bags of pork skins, and a quart of chocolate milk fall under this category.

#4 If you are in aforementioned "Express Lane", please do not write a check for a Hershey's bar.

And #5 (I swear this happened)- Do not, I repeat - DO NOT - EVER, bring your fucking C-A-T to the grocery! I swear to GOD, I really, truly do not believe Garfield wants to go shopping with you, especially at the grocery. Hell, even at PetSmart, these cats look like GitMo detainees, but at the godamm Kroger??? I know I heard that cat begging me to have him put down. I almost reported that fat bitch to Animal Control, but decided to get out of there before I torched the place. Actually, I think Garfield swipped some lighter fluid and a box of matches when Lardo was pricing the fat back.

I am a threat behind the wheel after all of this. I admit it. So, why in the name of all that is holy, would anyone - I mean, anyone, want to walk out in the street - no crosswalk - no light - and lots of cars (mine especially), screaming down the road right at you? Actually, I have an idea, but I'm not going to pay for some retarded crackhead's luxury stay in traction at Grady, thank you very much. If he wants three squares a day and a warm, liced blankie, he needs to sell some of that crack to an undercover, not try to get me to run him down.

So, I braked for him.

He should be lucky I wasn't in the truck.

Lovely.

Well, lookie there - it's after 12 and a Football Saturday. I hear the snap of a cold beer, the sight of unplanted azaleas, and the promise of a day that I will not get behind the wheel. All are safe - on the road, anyway.

In the News

Nice little opening ditty, which only promises to be apropos for a blog entitled "In the News"...



Ya Think?

According to CNN:

"A push to make Baghdad safer is being rethought after a "disheartening" surge of violence in recent weeks, a top U.S. military spokesman said today. The security plan -- a linchpin in the effort to restore law and order in Baghdad -- hasn't succeeded in lowering the violence in the capital, where attacks have increased during the Ramadan holy period. Officials now are intensively reviewing the plan, called Operation Together Forward."

Hmmm, I'm thinking more of something called, "Operation Get The Fuck Out of Iraq". I mean, over 2,800 Americans and only God knows how many Iraqis have been killed since the US invaded Iraq for their oil. Now, here we sit, oil prices higher and reserves lower than they were in 2003. When the rightwing, mindless, Republican rats start jumping their own ship, YA THINK we may want to reconsider our plan?



Katrina's Still Offin' Cajuns:

And these were whities, so again, nobody needs to pull the fucking race card. According to the AP:

"After Hurricane Katrina, Zackery Bowen and his girlfriend Adriane Hall appeared in news stories as examples of young people who had pressed on in the battered city despite evacuation orders and a lack of power and water.

Their story came to a disturbing end this week: Bowen leapt to his death from a hotel, leaving a note that led police to a French Quarter apartment where they found a woman's charred head on the stove, limbs in the oven and torso in the refrigerator.

Bowen's note said he had strangled and dismembered his girlfriend, but did not mention her name, police said Wednesday. Authorities said that because of the condition of the dismembered woman's body they could not immediately identify her. They were looking for Hall, however.

In the note, Bowen wrote: "I scared myself not by the action of calmly strangling the woman I've loved for one and a half years .... but by my entire lack of remorse," according to The Times-Picayune newspaper, which said it had obtained a copy of the note."

They still aren't sure why this guy apparently did what he did, but considering these two remained in the French Quarter before, during and the whole year and three months AFTER Katrina, I'm not sure I wouldn't go postal, either. Granted, I don't think I would have roasted my significant other, but again, who knows where your breaking point is?


Here We Go Again:

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to Mass and pray for your own forgiveness, Foley has figured out, through copious amounts of booze-free therapy, that a Catholic priest sexually assaulted him when he was a boy. Of course, the priest says he's not guilty because he didn't actually stick his woodie in Little Boy Foley --- he just played jerk the chicken with him. AND, even that didn't qualify as lewd and lascivious because Father Hard-on was high on tranquilizers. Besides, when a priest says you liked it, godammit, you liked it!

Shit, why didn't I think of that twenty years ago when I got my DUI? "Jeez, Judge, it wasn't my fault I got popped with that DUI! Hell, I was drunk. It was Jack Daniel's goddamn fault - talk to him!"



Dollar vs. Peso - The Irony:

The Washington Post reported that over 45 Billion (that would be Billion, with a B) dollars was sent by immigrants to Mexico and Central American countries, up a paltry 42 Billion (Billion with a B) dollars since 1980. Is it surprising that some dipshit international funding bank said the problem is that only about 3% of that money goes into the infrastructure of those countries? According to the bank, "Most of the money immigrant workers send to their families is used for basic needs, such as food, medicine and shelter". Well, for fuck sake, if the government won't pay to take care of its people, let the people come here, make the money and send it home. Sounds completely fair to me, especially since immigrants do the jobs my crackhead, welfare sucking neighbours won't do.



Another, YA THINK?:

This prick:



finally fessed up. According to a new Time.com interview, Cheney "admits he may have been "premature" in saying "we were over the hump in terms of violence" in Iraq.

No more needs to be said here, folks. This simply chaps my ass.

The only reason this is "news" is because it's the first time this raving idiot has "admitted" anything. He hasn't even really admitted he shot someone and most moe-rons have forgotten it anyway. I haven't...




Of course, Cheney wouldn't be the only one looking through the scope.



A Dog, A Cat, and A Gimp:

A Wisconsin woman was saved by her dog when her house caught fire. The woman, who lost a leg in an some accident, said the cat jumped on a coffee table and turned over a candle which caught some artificial plants on fire. The woman, who's lard ass was on the couch watching TV, didn't have on her artifical leg and couldn't get up. So Scooby grabs the leg and a phone and Gimpy hauls ass out of the house. Meanwhile, Scooby runs back in to save the cat and both animals buy the farm. Puts a new meaning on the term, "Crispy Critters".

I cannot count how many things really piss me off about this. Suffice it to say, I don't normally slam the handicapped, but when you're so fucking stupid as to have a candle on a table next to FAKE fucking plants, when you yourself have a FAKE fucking leg... News flash: You're not just physically handicapped, you're godamn retarded.


Speaking of Slams, and Getting Drunk, and Blaming Everyone but Yourself:


Bill Maher's New Rule: "New Rule: Mel Gibson can't do another major TV interview unless he's rip-roaring drunk. Mel, enough of this guy who talks about "healing" and explains why he's not a "monster," and how he feels "powerless" over everything. Sounds like someone's spent too much time in rehab listening to their Jew therapist.

Now, get your Nazi mojo back, Mr. Braveheart-and march back out there and call Diane Sawyer "sugar tits."



AND, Just To End on A Happy Note:

More from Bill Maher's latest -

And finally, New Rule: If you think the worst thing Congress doesn't protect young people from is Mark Foley, then wake up and smell the burning planet. The - the ice caps are cracking, the coral reefs are bleaching, and our poisoned groundwater has turned spinach into a "side dish of mass destruction." Read the labels on your food. It turns out the healthiest thing you can put in your body is Mark Foley's penis.

But that's America for you: a red herring culture, always scared by the wrong things. The fact is, there are a lot of creepy, middle-aged men out there lusting for your kids. They work for MTV, the pharmaceutical industry, McDonald's, Marlboro, and K Street.

And recently, there's been a rash of strangers making their way onto school campuses and targeting your children for death. They're called military recruiters. More young Americans were crippled in Iraq last month than any month in the last two years. And the scandal is that Mark Foley wants to show them a good time before they go?

When will our closeted gay congressmen learn, our boys aren't for pleasure, they're for cannon fodder? Why aren't Democrats and the media hammering away every day about who we're supposed to be fighting for over there, and what the plan is? Yes, Mark Foley was wrong to ask teenagers how long their penis was. But at least someone on Capitol Hill was asking questions.

You know who else is grabbing your kids at too young an age? Merck, Pfizer and GlaxoSmithKline. By convincing you that your kids are depressed, hyperactive or suffering from ADD. In the last decade, the number of children prescribed anti-psychotic drugs in America increased by over 400%. Which means either that our children are going insane-which we might look on as a problem-or more likely, we have, for profit, created a nation of little junkies.

So, stop with the righteous indignation about predators. This whole country is trying to get inside your kid's pants, because that's where he keeps his wallet.

I don't care - I don't care if Mark Foley had been asking boys to describe their penis because I have some sad news for you: your kid is so larded out on Cheetohs and YooHoo, he can't even see his penis. So many of our kids are fat drug addicts nowadays, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies!

So we can pretend that the biggest threat to our children is some creep on the Internet, or we can admit it's us. Because when your son can't find France on a map, or touch his toes with his hands, or understand that the ads on TV are lying, including the one where the Marine turns into Lancelot-then the person fucking him...is you.

AMEN

I Couldn't Have Said it Better

In case you can't read it:

"Hey, I'm not sure if you all band-wagon patriots have noticed or not, but all the ribbons in the world won't help shit. If you want to help the troops, give them something they want, like armor for their vehicles or a fucking trip home. Slappin' a magnet on your gas-guzzling SUV in the mddle of a a war for oil, just makes you look like a giant prick."

You said it, Friend.

It's Gonna Be a Good Day, Tater

I'm a TEE - EYE- GEE - EEE - ARE




Now that's how you play football.

The coup de grace? The last play fumble return for touchdown.

Simply Beautiful.

War Eagle

Just a Bad Day

Maybe it's 'cause I slept like shit last night (bizarre-freaky-dreams kinda sleep)

OR

Maybe it's 'cause the City of Atlanta is full of "reverse-prejudice" fuckstick moe-rons (a.k.a. black hating white because they are white) and I have to deal with them constantly in my job.

OR

Maybe it's 'cause the welfare-sucking, scanks that rent the house next door decided to get into a fight with each other and leave their windows open so all can hear. FYI - Apparently she's pregnant AGAIN, making this kid-to-be number 9 or is it 10?? - more of my tax dollars down the toilet so I can support a future crack dealer. Oh, and I guess he's been fucking around on her to boot! This is better than Meerkat Manor. When will some people fucking learn that a condom costs less than an abortion which costs DE-FIN-I-TIVE-LY less than a baby?

OR

Maybe it's because North Korea has a nuke, Iran won't stop uranium enrichment (a.k.a. building their own little nuke), and Iraq - well, we don't need to go there, do we?

OR

Maybe it's just 'cause it seems apropos

... I remembered this little tune:

Yeah, yeah double-entendre, I know. blah, blah, blah



Hide And Seek

'Nuff Said

Precious.

Honestly -

- if one more person comes up to me and asks me what happened to Auburn, I will go postal. Of course, most of these folks that think they are abusing me are Georgia Tech fans and the last time I checked, Georgia Tech played a bunch of retarded ferrets on Saturday and almost lost.

The AP has Auburn ranked 10th, but this idiot says to me, "You can't just go by one poll - USA Today poll has them ranked 11th. Please, people, do not read the USA Today poll. It's made up of a bunch of girls who wouldn't know a football if it hit them in the face. The saddest part is that Florida is now number 2 and for good reason. Holy shit, they played one hell of a game and we're hosting them on Saturday. Tommy better step it up if he wants a job next year.

Surfing

So normally this is the most boring job on the planet. But today is a national holiday (which we do not get to take) so everything is closed EXCEPT Tech. This means I won't get any mail, I can't go to the bank, I can't go to the post office, I really, truly don't have shite to do except - surf.

Starting with something pleasant (not a norm in my blogging history) - I'm looking for pictures for a Christmas gift and ran across this one from the photographers at my uncle's wedding last year. Check out this awesome photo of Stowe




What a beautiful sight this is.


Back to reality:




Now for sick and twisted and in need of electrocution:

A fuckup in Florida, kills his girlfriend, then sleeps with her, then takes her five cats to be put down. Whaaa? OK, it's bad enough he offs the lady, but to kill her cats so "they can be with her"? Please do not make me pay for this guy's life in prison with my tax money. A bullet costs a mere 30 cents.

Speaking of bullets, those two monsters that tortured that puppy in the projects next to my house last month are being arraigned today. According to the AJC,

"The brothers face an 11-count indictment on charges including aggravated cruelty to animals, burglary, criminal damage to property in the second degree, making terroristic threats and five misdemeanor counts of cruelty to children in the third degree.

The child cruelty charges stem from reports by neighborhood children that the teen enticed them to the center to see the dead puppy and threatened to kill them if they told anyone they knew."

Actually, forget the bullet. I say, tie them up with duct tape, douse them with paint and them roast them in an oven until they board the express train to hell. I hope when they get there, they find out Satan is canine.


Aljazeera reports that Syria is preparing to attack Israel. Lovely. And everyone is reporting that North Korea with that loon president, Kim Jong Il, has become the newest nuclear country. Lovely. South Korea and Japan are trying to figure out who will be the first to go up in smoke. And what will the US do about it? Well, we can certainly send in what's left of our military - geriatrics and retards. And how comforting to know we have that Nazi, John Bolton, representing us at the United Nations.

Reader's Digest says that 30% of all high schoolers do NOT graduate and 40% of all college freshmen need remedial classes because they aren't prepared to be in college. Just how stupid is this country? Nevermind, just reading the news answers that question.


I think I'll sign off with a happy thought: A very rare snow leopard



Thanks National Geographic.

Tigers or Retarded Kittens?

Can somebody please tell me what the hell happened to Auburn today? Sweet Jesus (who apparently isn't a Tiger fan), Auburn played like shit on stink. It didn't help that Arkansas (who has the stupidiest assmunch mascot since that idiot 1996 Olympic blue thing they called a Iggy?) played more like a professional Southern Cal team.

Auburn Number Two?? Yeah, maybe, but not in terms of the BCS. More like #2 in terms of a chocolate pudding splash in the back of the bowl.

Somebody please tell Tommy:

#1 When a 6-foot, 3-inch tall, 290-pound gorilla is fixin' to crash land on the guy who's throwing your godamn football, tell him to RUUUNNNN.

#2 When one of your receivers is hauling ass downfield to catch a hail mary pass, tell him to CATTTTCHHH IT.

And

#3, when your running back is struggling to get to the end zone tell him to not to DROP the fucking ball!

Quiz: How many chances do you give your opponent to score on YOUR 3 yard line? Apparently, according to Auburn play games, T-H-R-E-E!

On another note, how can Arkansas play such dirty ball and still win by 14 points? I've never even heard of some of those penalties. Speaking of dirty ball, looks like the Florida/LSU game will be the frosting on my turdcake today. The only other thing that could top this little tart with a big fucking cherry will be if Georgia beats Tennessee. That would put Auburn in the skidmark of the SEC undies.

Sorry for all the gross references, but I am truly pissed. I could have played better defense against Bo Jackson with several bong hits, a shot of lithium, and a partial lobotomy.